Obama: Christmas "Too Big to Fail"

Christmas is dead. That's the concern about what will happen without tighter federal controls on the much-celebrated holiday. Saying, "Christmas is too big to fail," President-elect Barack Obama today unveiled a new strategy to save Christmas from the economic downturn. The bold move to save the Christian holiday has Obama staff ebullient. “This is what I was talking about when I said I wanted to change the world,” said one senior Obama aide. The bold plan is as stunning in its simplicity as in its intrepidity.

As outlined to the Evil Conservative, the plan will consist of three key elements:

1) We give all our toys to Obama. Anyone not turning in their presents will be shot. Don't worry. He has a plan.

2) Obama will have the presents distributed personally. VP-elect Joe Biden has been tapped for this duty. His office will be setting appointments for Biden to personally see every child in America, provided that no one in the family is in the media. Presumably Biden’s comments will be limited to discussions about Santa Claus.

3) In order to accommodate this, Christmas will be held on a floating date at some point during the year.

Some suck-ups conservative pundits were also pleased by the plan. “Frankly it was a tossup as to whether to save Christmas or Ramadan. The Big O went with Christmas. I think that shows you where his heart is,” said Peggy Noonan. ‘It’s far more presidential than anything Sarah Palin would have done,” said Charles Krauthammer. Neither expressed any concern for those who may be shot.

Chief Republicans were disorganized in their response. "Why wouldn't someone give up their presents?" asked former presidential candidate John McCain. "They'd be shot. It's a non-issue and this Christmas problem has to be solved now and I just hope everyone knows how much I respect him."

The New York Times was effervescent in its praise, with headlines proclaiming Obama as Santa. Then later just Saint Obama. “Christmas for Everyone, ” their headlines screamed. There was some minor controversy over whether or not to depict Obama in a Santa cap, and whether that might be too cartoonish and unpresidential. It was finally decided to simply depict him in a halo and capitalize pronouns referring to Obama.

It remains to be seen how this will all shake out, but for now Democrats are excited. As one aide said, “Now everyone will have a great Christmas. Maybe not on Christmas Day exactly, but still really nice. It also gives Biden something to do. Imagine the excitement of Joe Biden showing up at your door with a bagful of goodies. Besides, let me show you a really cool trick,” he said. “Blink.” So I blinked. “Know what you just missed?” I shook my head. He smiled wide, “We just spent another billion dollars.” Laughing madly, my Obama contact snuffed out his medical marijuana cigarette, hopped on his bicycle and pedaled away.

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